The Little Things

When I moved back to the country I knew I would have to deal with wildlife. I expect birds, rabbits, porcupines, skunks, deer, elk, and bear all to cross my path at some point. What I was not prepared to deal with were the little things--the bugs.

I can handle a lot of unsightly creatures--snakes, rodents, BMWs--but I can't do bugs. Man, do they gross me out and they always have. The single most torturous moment of high school was having to do an insect collection for biology class. I tried to get out of it. I tried to explain to Mr. Webb that it was physically impossible for me to complete the assignment and could I please do something else, but he was deaf to my pleas. (He may actually have been deaf, period.)

God bless my parents. The night before the project was due they were piecing together parts of dead crickets and capturing moths out of the front porch lights because just looking at the creatures made me want to throw up, let alone having to touch them. That was one raggedy insect collection.

Now I know there are people out there who will want to say, "Insects are an important part of the cycle of life," and "They'll be around long after mankind has been extinguished," and "We're all God's creatures." Save your breath. I don't care. And I don't care about distinguishing between insects and arachnids. They're ugly and I hate them all.

Yet, I'm not a bug squisher either. For one thing, I don't want ugly bug guts all over my shoes, floors, or walls. For another thing, I don't have the heart of a squisher (unless it's a cockroach--they're the ugliest of them all). I know they didn't ask to be born & I know they can't help being grotesque. Nobody can. So usually I turn my back & pretend I didn't see them & hope they had the good sense to realize what a lucky break they got & leave the premises.

I only make 2 exceptions to my Bug Rule--butterflies (as long as I don't look at them too closely, and definitely NOT moths) & ladybugs. Ladybugs are the only insect I will voluntarily let touch me. I don't know why--I guess I just like their little red wings.

When I got to Big Pink there were bugs EVERYWHERE--and not a butterfly or ladybug among them. There were dead flies on the windowsills, ancient cobwebs all over the house, and hundreds of moths. My first week here I saw 5 different types of spiders. It was like I had been selected for the Home Edition of Wild Kingdom.

I killed so many earwigs that at one point I literally said to myself, "If I see one more earwig I'm going to scream." The next night I came home late and thought it strange that my porch looked like it was moving. Turned out there were at least 50 earwigs there, reveling in the basil plants I had set out. I didn't scream, but I wanted to. I was so enraged that I wanted to jump up & down & smash them all. But then I just felt totally defeated & meekly stepped over them and tried desperately to erase the sight of them from my mind.

I feel like this is my epic battle, and I'm determined to win. If I have to hose down my house every Sunday, I will. If I have to invest in Raid stock, I will. It's the Battle of Big Pink, and heaven help any 6+ -legged creature that crosses my threshold, because I'm sending the cats after them!

10 Feet & 19 Hours: Misconceptions & Miscalculations About Moving

Having never undertaken a move of this scale before, you can understand that I was bound to make a few mistakes and miscalculations...

1. I have an average amount of items for someone of my age, income, and social status.
OK, so we all know this is just flat-out denial. Luckily I have 2 very intelligent & generous parents who took one look at my piles of boxes & ordered a bigger truck (even though it cost over twice as much).



2. There's not much difference between 15 feet and 25 feet.
The difference is: a nightstand, 3 tables, 1 queen size bed, 20 rolled posters, 2 scratching posts, 2 sewing machines, 4 kitchen chairs, 6 cases of water, 1 couch, & 20 small boxes.



3. Your pets love you unconditionally.
My cats tried to give me the benefit of the doubt for the first 3 hours of the drive. Then they just gave me the stinkeye.



4. Cats don't care where they go as long as they're with you.
I no longer believe this. Sophie literally stayed under the covers for 4 days and is just now checking out a few things around the house. (Grace only stayed under the covers for 2 days.)

5. Time is universal.
Q: If a Toyota Corolla with 2 cats is traveling at 80mph & a 25' moving van is traveling at 65mph, at what point does the Corolla's driver realize that her parents won't make the trip in the 14 hours she averages?
A: Utah

6. Strength of emotional attachment to a place is directly proportional to number of years residing there.
Panorama City sucks. On the other hand, I fell in love with Big Pink before I ever laid eyes on her. Go Pink!

7. My house will be sparkling clean & ready for my arrival.
That was actually more of a hope than an expectation. In reality, the place hadn't been touched in many months (years, in some spots) & someone had broken one of the porch steps. On a scale of 1 to 10, the gross-out factor was a solid 7. I'm thinking of nominating my mom for sainthood for cleaning the bathroom floor & the kitchen. My dad, meanwhile, made sure I remained a mortal by fixing the woodstove that had been put together wrong, supplying fresh air by releasing my painted windows, & checking the root cellar for any evidence of the Worm Lady.



8. I'll feel like a True Blue Coloradan as soon as I get there.
I didn't cry the entire trip until I crossed the Colorado State Line. It's definitely where I'm supposed to be at this moment, but I feel like an imposter. A Californian in Coloradan's clothing. Right now I feel like I won't be a true Coloradan until I know everyone in Norwood & at least 1/2 of Telluride. (And until my local number works!) That my take a while...

9. It will be good for me to not have to go to work right away.
You know, most people learn to enjoy unemployment. Not me. If I don't have a steady job to go to, I panic. Don't get me wrong--I'm busy. I've got a ton of cleaning, painting, and unpacking to do. But I need to be steady on someone else's payroll or I'll go crazy.

10. I'm an independent spirit & won't be lonely.
When I said good-bye to my folks at the airport, that was the lonliest I'd felt in a long time. Being cut off from the world due to lack of phone and internet service doesn't help, but I'm going to work on meeting 1 new person a day. And I've always got my chocolate cake lady to say "hi" to (except on weekends & holidays).

I can never thank my mom & dad, Jenny, Carolina, & Phil enough for helping load and unload the MegaVan. There's NO way I could have done it without you.

Love you all and miss you!!!

p.s. Fourth of July was a blast! Check out the pictures below!

Men Without Rhythm:
(That's Norman Schwarzkopf in the khaki, judging the parade.)

Belles of Popcorn Alley (featuring my new manager, Luci!):

The cover of a magazine,
nothing but a paper dream
Just another fantasy for sale
Telling me what I need,
what I should do
Who I should be
That stuff don't matter to me at all

The sky is blue and
the sun is shining
I feel like a bum
with a pocket full of diamonds
I'm free as a bird
and my spirit's flyin'
And that's enough to keep me
Smilin'

Guru man on my TV set
Selling the secrets to happiness
1-800-Change your life today
Dreams I've got my own
I ain't looking for
a yellow brick road
I'm just gonna go
my own way.

--"Smilin'," Tim McGraw