The Little Things

When I moved back to the country I knew I would have to deal with wildlife. I expect birds, rabbits, porcupines, skunks, deer, elk, and bear all to cross my path at some point. What I was not prepared to deal with were the little things--the bugs.

I can handle a lot of unsightly creatures--snakes, rodents, BMWs--but I can't do bugs. Man, do they gross me out and they always have. The single most torturous moment of high school was having to do an insect collection for biology class. I tried to get out of it. I tried to explain to Mr. Webb that it was physically impossible for me to complete the assignment and could I please do something else, but he was deaf to my pleas. (He may actually have been deaf, period.)

God bless my parents. The night before the project was due they were piecing together parts of dead crickets and capturing moths out of the front porch lights because just looking at the creatures made me want to throw up, let alone having to touch them. That was one raggedy insect collection.

Now I know there are people out there who will want to say, "Insects are an important part of the cycle of life," and "They'll be around long after mankind has been extinguished," and "We're all God's creatures." Save your breath. I don't care. And I don't care about distinguishing between insects and arachnids. They're ugly and I hate them all.

Yet, I'm not a bug squisher either. For one thing, I don't want ugly bug guts all over my shoes, floors, or walls. For another thing, I don't have the heart of a squisher (unless it's a cockroach--they're the ugliest of them all). I know they didn't ask to be born & I know they can't help being grotesque. Nobody can. So usually I turn my back & pretend I didn't see them & hope they had the good sense to realize what a lucky break they got & leave the premises.

I only make 2 exceptions to my Bug Rule--butterflies (as long as I don't look at them too closely, and definitely NOT moths) & ladybugs. Ladybugs are the only insect I will voluntarily let touch me. I don't know why--I guess I just like their little red wings.

When I got to Big Pink there were bugs EVERYWHERE--and not a butterfly or ladybug among them. There were dead flies on the windowsills, ancient cobwebs all over the house, and hundreds of moths. My first week here I saw 5 different types of spiders. It was like I had been selected for the Home Edition of Wild Kingdom.

I killed so many earwigs that at one point I literally said to myself, "If I see one more earwig I'm going to scream." The next night I came home late and thought it strange that my porch looked like it was moving. Turned out there were at least 50 earwigs there, reveling in the basil plants I had set out. I didn't scream, but I wanted to. I was so enraged that I wanted to jump up & down & smash them all. But then I just felt totally defeated & meekly stepped over them and tried desperately to erase the sight of them from my mind.

I feel like this is my epic battle, and I'm determined to win. If I have to hose down my house every Sunday, I will. If I have to invest in Raid stock, I will. It's the Battle of Big Pink, and heaven help any 6+ -legged creature that crosses my threshold, because I'm sending the cats after them!